This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
