mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
