how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize