if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
