Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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