if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Randomize
