dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
