I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
