I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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