Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize