i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
