"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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