no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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