Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
