i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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