I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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