Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Is Oprah even human
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
