she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
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