She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
How does one acquire holy water?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
