Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
