I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
