Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
