Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
