my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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