I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Randomize
