I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
