Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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