I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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