Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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