i was rollin on her like bob the builder
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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