So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
