That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
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