It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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