They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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