I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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