I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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