One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
