today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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