Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
