Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
