Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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