I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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