Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
