My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
