totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
How external is "for external use only"?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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