Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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