I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
