By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
