I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
