she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
