We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
