I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
