I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
