I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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