he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
