Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
