I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
