I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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