Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
