fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
